11 things I do to feel sexy again when my desire has gone

My friend said to me the other day: “I just haven’t felt sexy. For ages. I don’t even think about sex. How do I feel sexy again?”

I 100% know that feeling.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, shrugging off my partner’s warm hand on my back, heading to the shower without a backward glance. His touch, normally something I sink into with pleasure, just feels… irritating to me. Extraneous.

And then, I realise that it’s been …a week or so since I had sex.  Or even wanted to have sex.

Maybe even a couple of weeks, if things have gotten quite bad and I haven’t noticed. It’s like sex has just stopped existing for me. (The worst dip, for me, was three months not wanting sex. That was a bad time.) Continue reading “11 things I do to feel sexy again when my desire has gone”

What I’ve learned from going to sex parties Part 1: Shed expectations

What I’ve learned from going to sex parties… is a surprising amount. At the same time, they are everything I hoped they would be, and absolutely nothing like I thought they would be.

I haven’t been to that many sex parties, sexuality festivals, and BDSM play events- maybe less than twenty- but I’ve thought a lot about the ones I have been to. (Side note: I’m using the catch-all term ‘sex parties’ for events ranging from BDSM play events to sexuality festivals to private play parties. Basically, any public play setting, where I might expect to do intimate things in front of others, that I might previously have only done in the privacy of a bedroom.)

When I was preparing to go to sex parties for the first time, I found it really difficult to find any practical information about how to approach them as a couple, or as an individual. I Googled a lot. I didn’t find much of what I wanted to know, which was how to BE at a sex party. Just…how I could be comfortable, and enjoy it. Continue reading “What I’ve learned from going to sex parties Part 1: Shed expectations”

The sex-positive inadequacy complex

Or: How I’m going to feel less shit about myself

One of the things that daunted me most about starting this blog was whether I was ‘good enough’ to write about sex, sexuality, polyamory and kink. The sex positive world is full of writers. What do I have to offer?

As per received wisdom, I spent a while reading as many other blogs on offer as I could before I started writing, to work out how I’d fit into the blogosphere.

I read with growing dismay, about all the people who I felt were… better than me.

More expert. More authoritative. Cooler. More adventurous. More sexually experienced.  Continue reading “The sex-positive inadequacy complex”

My first blog post: Tackling my fear of writing about sex with curiosity

Hello, everyone.

I hesitated a while before launching this blog. I have a lot of self-doubt, and a big fear of writing about sex. Maybe nobody will want to listen to me; maybe I have nothing of interest to say.

And then I realised how much my fears about putting the first blog out there, correspond with how I feel about sex, and sexuality, and sex-positivity, and kink/BDSM, and play parties, and poly/open relationships, and the whole colourful circus that I’m dabbling in. Continue reading “My first blog post: Tackling my fear of writing about sex with curiosity”