A reflection: ten things I am proud of in 2018 around sex, kink, polyamory

Happy new year, everyone.

Sorry for the lateness of this reflection post, I know you’re supposed to do them in December. Well, I guess I’m not sorry. Just acknowledging that it’s late!

I have spent the Christmas season pretty unplugged, trying to stay off social media. Connecting with my friends and my loved ones, as best I can, while trying not to get sucked in too much to the whirlpool of parties and drinking. Continue reading “A reflection: ten things I am proud of in 2018 around sex, kink, polyamory”

Tips for having conversations at sex parties that make you and other people feel good

Oh no. It’s an advice post!

It says on my about page, that I’m not setting myself up to give advice. Already I’m breaking my own rule.

What happened?!

I attended a sex party on the weekend. A few people made me feel awkward and uncomfortable through what seemed like basic etiquette messups. It’s happened to me so often!

And I thought….why?! Why do people do these things. NGNNGNGNGNGH.

Having conversations at sex parties or sex-positive events, like munches, can be really hard. Difficult to navigate. People find it hard to gauge the tone. I have made mistakes myself, for definite. Continue reading “Tips for having conversations at sex parties that make you and other people feel good”

A major flirting fail… but still got a woman’s number!

I am really, really bad at flirting with women.

I am even worse at actually making anything happen with a woman that I like.

When it comes to flirting with women, at sex parties, on dates, in clubs, anywhere really.  I just … SUCK. (On top of the social anxiety I have at sex parties anyway.)

I get tongue tied. I get completely into my head and second-guess myself the entire time. I have zero confidence. It’s as if I’m a 15 year old, who is scared of her first kiss, and avoids people’s eyes at the school dance.

Even at a sex positive party, as I was at the weekend.

Somewhere where the atmosphere is explicitly accepting of queer people and those all across the gender spectrum (as it was at this particular party). Somewhere where there is zero judgment or stigma, around women hitting on women (or anyone else for that matter). Continue reading “A major flirting fail… but still got a woman’s number!”

What I’ve learned from going to sex parties Part 2: Look for social connections, not sex

Social anxiety at sex parties is a thing for me.

I’m almost more nervous about the socialising at sex parties, than I am about the potential public sex.

And especially …I’m nervous about how the hell I am supposed to get from the former, to the latter.

Before my first sex party, I was so focused on the expectations I had around sex (discussed in part 1 of this series) that it never even occurred to me that social anxiety would be a problem.

When I walked in the door, it hit me:

This is a whole group of people that I don’t know.

And if I want to actually have sex with some of them, I have to talk to them. Fuuuuuuck. Continue reading “What I’ve learned from going to sex parties Part 2: Look for social connections, not sex”

What I’ve learned from going to sex parties Part 1: Shed expectations

What I’ve learned from going to sex parties… is a surprising amount. At the same time, they are everything I hoped they would be, and absolutely nothing like I thought they would be.

I haven’t been to that many sex parties, sexuality festivals, and BDSM play events- maybe less than twenty- but I’ve thought a lot about the ones I have been to. (Side note: I’m using the catch-all term ‘sex parties’ for events ranging from BDSM play events to sexuality festivals to private play parties. Basically, any public play setting, where I might expect to do intimate things in front of others, that I might previously have only done in the privacy of a bedroom.)

When I was preparing to go to sex parties for the first time, I found it really difficult to find any practical information about how to approach them as a couple, or as an individual. I Googled a lot. I didn’t find much of what I wanted to know, which was how to BE at a sex party. Just…how I could be comfortable, and enjoy it. Continue reading “What I’ve learned from going to sex parties Part 1: Shed expectations”