Open vs closed

“Can we talk about this sex party we’re going to in a couple of weeks?” I said to my partner. “I’m kind of anxious about some things.”

My anxiety spanned a whole range of things. I could feel them scampering about in my brain like prickly little beetles:

how I might feel, all the possible reactions I might have to untold scenarios involving people we haven’t met yet,

imaginary disasters, like coming on my period suddenly or overdosing on a random dose of a drug I wasn’t even going to plan on taking.

Awkward moments. Flip outs, panic attacks, trauma triggers. Seeing an ex. Being left alone.

My partner stopped me.

“I feel like this always happens before a party. You always want to talk about everything that could go wrong. It makes me so anxious I don’t want to go… To be honest, it kind of ruins it for me a bit.”

I stared at him, a bit crestfallen. He doesn’t want to listen to my anxieties?

He went on, “Can’t we talk instead about what we want to happen? All the cool, sexy things we might get to do?” Continue reading “Open vs closed”

Goals for 2019: An MMF threesome, compersion, and more

Here are some vague goals I’m developing around sex, kink and polyamory for 2019. After a pretty intense year in 2018,  and what with starting a new full-time job this year, I probably need to expect a bit less of myself in 2019, and just aim for goals that are relatively achievable!

goalposts in a foggy field
Image from Pixabay

Continue reading “Goals for 2019: An MMF threesome, compersion, and more”

The Good, The Bad, The Weird (or: How do I keep busy when my partner is out on a date?)

So here’s what my week feels like at the moment, and why I need urgent help on how to be a good polyamorist partner this evening.

I’m starting with the bad, because that’s what’s bubbling up at the moment!

  1. The Bad

Continue reading “The Good, The Bad, The Weird (or: How do I keep busy when my partner is out on a date?)”

What I’ve learned from going to sex parties Part 2: Look for social connections, not sex

Social anxiety at sex parties is a thing for me.

I’m almost more nervous about the socialising at sex parties, than I am about the potential public sex.

And especially …I’m nervous about how the hell I am supposed to get from the former, to the latter.

Before my first sex party, I was so focused on the expectations I had around sex (discussed in part 1 of this series) that it never even occurred to me that social anxiety would be a problem.

When I walked in the door, it hit me:

This is a whole group of people that I don’t know.

And if I want to actually have sex with some of them, I have to talk to them. Fuuuuuuck. Continue reading “What I’ve learned from going to sex parties Part 2: Look for social connections, not sex”

Could this be my first FFM threesome?

I mentioned in a previous post that I was interested in looking for a threesome. Specifically, an FFM threesome.

I’ve had a threesome with two men before (a few years ago). It was hella hot! But I’ve never really had an FFM. And, I have always wanted one.

Well, Jack (my anchor partner) has, after giving it some thought, said he’s happy for me to go ahead and make it happen.

And I have been putting myself out there on Feeld, without really having high expectations. I’ve used the app before, and never found anyone particularly worth talking to.


I’ve started talking to a M/F couple, and I really like them!

They’re from a city that isn’t mine, maybe an hour away. They’re both teachers, and they’re actually cool, interesting people (WHAT). Continue reading “Could this be my first FFM threesome?”