For me, kink and sex are like ice cream and coffee

Ok, let me explain.

I need to go back to the first time I visited a BDSM club.

I was standing, with my jaw tense, in a tight black dress with open side panels and clumpy patent leather boots. Grasping a drink tightly, in slightly sweaty hands.

It was my first time in a BDSM club, and I had had my eyes opened WIDE already in the first ten minutes …watching people arrive in the most eye-popping outfits, from baby-clothes to gimp masks. I was excited, and full of anticipation.

Now, 20 minutes in. I held my partner’s hand.

As I watched a naked man writhing, strapped to a massive, wooden St Andrew’s Cross in the centre of the room.

He was pretty sexy, looking a little like a stylish footballer, with a shaved head and plenty of muscles on his lean body. I’d already clocked him walking in earlier.

Now, though, I was mostly looking at his buttocks which were tight and glistening with sweat. And he was having his ass whipped by a tall, statuesque blonde woman wearing a latex red bustier.

He yelped, when the leather hit his flesh.

I was kind of liking it, watching his total surrender into pain. I felt my pussy tightening and clenching between my thighs, under my lacy panties, as I gazed at the spectacle.


The next thing I knew, the blonde and her ass-whipped football player guy were next to me at the bar, ordering a pint. Clothed. As if nothing had happened.

I was bemused.

What? Why weren’t they having sex? Or at least …getting off in some way?

Oh, of course. No sex allowed in this BDSM club. Pah.

But…also…maybe that wasn’t the point?

As you might have guessed from my other posts on kink, for me, BDSM and kink is extremely closely intertwined with sex and eroticism.

I’ve got a pretty solid need for coffee. I drink it black, or black iced, every day, and I freaking love it. I don’t need to dress it up to enjoy it.

That’s like sex, for me. Sex and coffee. Yeeeeeeah. (Are you liking this analogy? Are you?)

Sometimes, though (OK, pretty often), I indulge in a frothy flat white, or a macchiato, or a dash of cream…and it’s a delightful treat. It gives a wonderful luxurious edge to my coffee experience. That’s like… when my partner whips me, or spanks me, or calls me filthy names when we’re fucking. It’s pretty integrated to the sexual experience.

You know what’s amazing though?

An affogato.

When the ice cream, is the focus, but there’s just enough coffee flavour seeping through it to make the whole thing a mesh of both flavours.

Kink and sex are like ice cream and coffee

Even when BDSM is the focus of the experience, like the ice cream in an affogato, it still wouldn’t be the dessert I want without the coffee (sex) finishing it off.

I’d just …never bother ordering an ice-cream on its own. It’s not the dessert that I prefer. (Unless it’s the only thing on the menu, like in my local sex club :-/….)

But this is not the case for everyone, and I wanted to acknowledge that and write a little bit about that process of discovery.

Why was I so bemused by what had just happened in this BDSM club?

(By the fact people could quite happily go and beat the crap out of each other with paddles and whips, and then put their clothes back on and have a drink and a chat? Displaying total composure and social grace, as if they weren’t turned on at all?)

Because it didn’t compute with my own experiences.

After a BDSM scene, I’m dripping wet, shaking and can barely stand up straight.

To put it bluntly, when I’m being kinky, I probably need to be fucked.

For me, kink clubs where no sex is allowed is like just like…. a restaurant where ice cream is the only dessert on the menu. I know other people love it, and I can see why…but it’s just not my thing. It’s not enough for me. No disrespect to others who love this type of play, it’s just not how I’m wired.

But what I learned after my first visit to a BDSM club is that many people consider a sexual identity and a BDSM identity to be separately defined orientations that don’t necessarily intertwine. As far as they are concerned, an ice cream on its own is deeply satisfying. (And frankly, the whole ‘ice cream and coffee’ metaphor is going to be completely unlike those people’s experience, right? I bet there are people reading this right now going ‘Nope, nope, nope.’)

I began to realise, after that first BDSM club visit, that I just can’t interpret other people’s sexual behaviour only by reference to my own sexual experiences.

There’s a whole spectrum of things to enjoy, outside the ‘norm’ (whatever that might be). Whether a person likes them, depends on a massive mixture of their personal sexual and psychological makeup and life history, social and cultural background, how they’re feeling that day or that hour or that minute… and of course, how they’re physically built and wired.

And I was, standing in that BDSM club in my tight black dress, having a nice drink with a dripping, sweaty, semi-nude man, slowly figuring that out. Finally!

EG: I started making friends who would happily engage in BDSM play with people who they are not sexually attracted to, because they enjoy the sensations/experience of the play regardless and on a completely different level.

I’ve tried it out. Ice cream on its own.

For example, I’ve been a rope bottom for a good friend a few times, and had friends try out impact play toys on me.

I found out that, for me, that’s less about BDSM than it is just about indulging a fun hobby. I felt about as horny after being roped-up by my friend as I do if we’d gone for a run together…or, well, gone out for ice cream. It’s perfectly nice, and quite relaxing and enjoyable, but it doesn’t turn me on or get me excited. I’d honestly rather have an espresso. Thrown back, in a few seconds. Does the job (lol)

Kink play without a sexual element doesn’t make me feel exhilarated and fulfilled, as I do when I am engaging in a scene with someone I’m turned on by.

This whole ‘separation of kink and sex’ thing is something I am just beginning to understand on an intellectual level.

I can totally see- in theory- why the thrill and rush of topping or bottoming can be enjoyable both physically and mentally, without necessarily involving a sexual connection- even if it’s not true for me. I really welcome and appreciate those who have written about this topic further so that I’ve been able to educate myself. (Article here by Sunny Megatron about being kinky and asexual that I found useful!)

I did also enjoy this interesting and well written post from Clarisse Thorn, who says:

There is still something deeply different about the way my body feels my BDSM urges, as opposed to how my body feels sexual urges. […]I’ve always found that the more you look at the line between “what is sex” and “what is not sex”, the more blurred the line becomes.

I do understand what she is saying. When I feel like sex, I don’t necessarily always feel like kink, and vice versa.

But if I am in the mood for being spanked… I’m sure as hell going to want sex afterwards. Kink turns me on, essentially.

I have also found (and Clarisse touches on this in her piece), that there are those in the kink scene who get a bit superior and judgy about people like me.

It seems to really bother some kinksters that my kinky identity and sexual identities are interlinked. That I don’t separate kink from sex in my play.

I’ve had people imply “Oh, you’re not really a ‘pure’ kinkster’ if you don’t get off on BDSM without sex”… Like I’m not truly dedicated to the cause or something. I haven’t really bought full membership. I’m just a dabbler.

I’m not super bothered about those people’s opinions, though.

Firstly, because I think any kind of judgment on others’ kink play is wrong.

Some people like to mix sex and BDSM and others’ don’t. That’s just how it is. Judgment of any kind about my sexual and BDSM identity can, well, fuck right off, in my opinion.

But another reason is that I think it’s just too narrow, in a way that’s kind of unhelpful for the maximum enjoyment of either sex or BDSM.

I think their judginess also doesn’t take into account that just because identities maybe separate and distinct for some, doesn’t mean they can’t be layered on top of each other and combined for others to create an intense and fulfilling experience.

What about you? Do you prefer ice-cream, coffee, or a mix of both?

Author: CuriousMermaid

I am a thirty-something woman. I write about sex, bi/pansexuality, kink and open relationships/polyamory from personal experience.

One thought on “For me, kink and sex are like ice cream and coffee”

  1. As always- I appreciate your thoughtfulness as you figure this stuff out. It helps me too.

    I am mostly like you. Prefer my sex and kink mixed nicely. Except… I can totally be in the mood for a good long hard “therapy” spanking. It can even involve some sexual touching- but if that’s what I need then I am happy to get beat, fully expect to cry (probably long and hard too) and be held for a while after. No sex please.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this!

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