I’m trying to quit my vibrator. But today, I stumbled.

In the quest to give up my vibrator, I need to report a small setback…

This morning, before work, I woke up with about 30 minutes to spare before I had to start my yoga session, if I was going to be at work on time. (I try to do yoga every morning- I succeed only on the days I’ve had enough sleep).

Lying in bed, alone because Jack is away for a couple of days, I picked up my phone. Put it down. Hmmm. I felt slightly…restless.

Soon, I realised what was bothering me.

I was vaguely aware of the pressure behind my pelvis, the unnameable itch deep down, that means I need to cum. It has been a few days; I’ve been busy, I’ve been tired. I haven’t had much energy to enter into the epic battle that is Curious Mermaid Versus: Her Clit.

I knew I had to masturbate. And the thought filled me mainly… with meh. Oh, here we go.

Because I’ve promised myself that I won’t use my vibrator at the moment.

So I would have to use my hands.

hurdle

So, I started touching myself.

I used my fingers on my clitoris for a bit. Tried my best to chill and enjoy it.

But the real world kept intervening in my head, while my body stubbornly refused to pay any attention.

Hey! Think about work. Your boss. That one colleague you find annoying.

Hey! Ok, why not think about…. A small awkward social interaction with two friends that you’re not sure how to navigate. 

Hey! Think about the fact that you’re not that aroused yet and soon you will have run out of time for this whole thing.

At some point I realised I was never going to relax enough to become aroused. I really, really wanted to pick up my super duper wand and just get the whole thing over with.

And… I knew the alternative to not using something vibrating on my clit, was just…not cumming at all. No orgasm today. I needed one!

And I was frustrated. And annoyed.

So…I caved.

But I didn’t pick up the wand, at least.

I picked up a vibrator, one that I haven’t used in a while…. put it on the lowest possible setting. I gently inserted a dildo as well.

And… I tried really hard to relax. To picture sexual images. When I felt that my clit was becoming over-buzzed, I put the vibrator away, and just focused on using my hands, and enjoying the feelings of my hands on me.

It took a very long time to cum using this method- maybe 35 minutes…But eventually, it happened: a slow, explosive orgasm that made me gasp.

There is a bright side to this, I think.

What I liked about this experience was that, although I didn’t cum just using my hands as I would have liked, it also wasn’t my ‘usual’ method of masturbation. I did have to think about the process, and be conscious.

It still felt like I was training my brain and body to do something different than the norm.

On the other hand, I am annoyed at myself for deviating from my commitment not to use my vibrator.

I’m trying to quit my vibrator.

But today, what got me over the orgasm finish line was the buzzing sensation on my clit of… my vibrator. Did I screw up? Am I overthinking this whole thing?

I don’t know… at least I had an orgasm, so I guess, on the whole, I probably win. At least for today. For the rest of my sex life… let’s see.

ripples in the water
Image from Pixabay

PS. In case you are worried, I did make it to work on time… though my downward dogs were a little more rushed than they otherwise would have been!

Previous posts in the vibrator-free journey:
  1. Why I’m quitting my vibrator (for a while)
  2. Progress update: Quitting my vibrator is working for me

Also published on Medium.

Author: CuriousMermaid

I am a thirty-something woman. I write about sex, bi/pansexuality, kink and open relationships/polyamory from personal experience.