A tribute to messed-up porn

I wrote a post a while ago about my belated sexual awakening. I realised that I’ve had the second part of this drafted for ages, but forgotten to publish it. (I’ve got lots of drafts sitting there, awaiting some polish, because I’m shit and disorganised).

Today I found it!

So here you go: what happened to me when I encountered porn… after I got my first vibrator and had my first orgasm. (I’ve realised it also links quite a lot with the stuff I’ve written about my introduction into BDSM.)

The story in a nutshell: I started watching porn, and I quickly slid down a filthy, lubed-up slippery slope. A slope lined with red high heels, bad dialogue, and false nails.

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Woman holding up mobile phone with porn on it, while in background are the words ‘porn tube’During my late twenties, I started a porn journey.

I went from watching fairly tame and standard stuff (couples having standard vanilla sex) …

to watching videos of women being fucked, roughly, by more than one man.

I got a little bit addicted. Soon, the more I watched, the more I needed to watch rougher and rougher stuff, to get myself off.

I was a bit scared about how my brain was starting to work. I felt like I was getting more of a disgusted thrill from the porn I ended up watching sometimes, rather than an erotic thrill.

But I was also kind of addicted to the highs of watching something and getting off on it.

Soon I was relying on porn for most of my orgasms.

And this is also kinda when my BDSM spark really crackled into a full-blown flame.

I started exclusively watching threesomes and gang-bangs, searching out the ones which had double penetration.

I especially loved it when I could see the woman getting off and when I could see real relationships and communication between the people in the videos.

But… by ‘relationships’ and ‘communication’, I don’t mean ‘kindness’ , or ‘gentleness’.

Because the porn videos I watched were not the ones that advice columnists in the Guardian say that women are supposed to like. The ‘erotic ones’ that show men lovingly cradling women who gaze up at them adoringly, and they come, together, looking into each others’ eyes.

Nope, not like that.

The communication I liked was, for example:

A man is taking a woman. She is bent over a table. Maybe being held there by other men. Maybe she’s tied up.

He is roughly sliding his enormous, thick cock in and out of her asshole. No, change the verb. ‘Slamming’. Her face is contorted. She’s moaning and whimpering, as he holds her head still between his hands and her body bends under his force.

He whispers in her ear, ‘You like that, don’t you, you little whore.’

She whispers back, holding his gaze: ‘Yes’.

That kind of communication. That kind of relationship. That’s what I liked to see.

I also realised that it really turned me on when the woman in porn, acted somewhat reluctant or uncertain to start with- maybe innocent, maybe like she doesn’t want sex at all.

And then, beginning to enjoy herself even while she’s being pushed to her limits and broken.

I loved when there was an element of pain. If the sex looked violent.

I also liked it when the woman is overcome by the physical sensations; when she becomes like a rag doll, being used for the men’s pleasure.

I REALLY got off when the men who are fucking her are also verbally degrading her. Calling her a slut, because of how much she loves it.

(I kept all of this to myself. I was pretty sure I was a total freak. I never mentioned it to my boyfriends.)

It was watching porn that I had the first non-vibrator orgasm, with my fingers. (I’ve written about how it all started for me with vibrators here. )

Oh, and then I found stories on Literotica.

I had never read any full-on porn writing before. I had previously read books and desperately hoped to find sexy scenes in them, but rarely did to my liking, so this was a goldmine. (Side note: need to write a post ‘sexiest scenes in literature’).

Literotica was my literal dream come true, and God bless it for being free to a broke student.

I started out in the ‘Erotic Couplings’ stories, then slowly graduated to the ‘Non-Consent/Reluctance’ stories. Occasionally I dipped into ‘Incest/Taboo’, because I liked stories about young women being fucked by their Daddies or naughty uncles. (Gah, I’m such a cliche. Again: kept all this to myself.)

I found that reading text on a page was was more erotic than watching videos, with less of a downside. With written text, I could imagine even harder stuff than I could possibly see in any video, and I could imagine it happening to me much more easily. It didn’t make me feel as dirty afterwards than watching it unfold on a screen, for some reason, and I felt more like an active participant than a passive one.

A tribute to porn

My late twenties, in short, were just a riot of porn. I liked hardcore, aggressive porn. I watched it in secret. I was wide-eyed and aghast and excited and confused and wanking like crazy over weird-as-hell stuff and I was so excited about it.

It was my first clue that I might be submissive. That I was attracted to dominant men. Which led me to finding out more about BDSM, and the rest is history.

So.

Even though I rarely watch much porn any more (apart from the occasional dip into a hentai extravaganza), preferring to stick to written porn/erotica…

Even though I feel kind of conflicted about the role that porn plays in the world- particularly the sexual messages it sends to vulnerable young people,

Without it, I wouldn’t have discovered what I liked. And I wouldn’t have realised there were other freaks out there, just like me.

So…thanks, porn.

I don’t really think it’s messed up. Because if it is, then I’m messed up too.


Also published on Medium.

Author: CuriousMermaid

I am a thirty-something woman. I write about sex, bi/pansexuality, kink and open relationships/polyamory from personal experience.

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