Most films or books involving a ‘sexual awakening’ seem to focus on teenagers. Dewy eyed and fresh-faced as they enter the world of sex, excited at all that the world has to offer.
My sexual awakening was somewhat delayed. I didn’t wake up for AGES. I was sexually dozing, in fact. This is a story about how I eventually got there.
Going into my late teens, when I began having sexual relationships with men, I thought my options were as follows:
a) find a kind, caring man and have nice sex with him. (This option would qualify me for love.)
b) find a nasty (but sexy) man and do whatever he wanted in bed, whether I liked it or not. (This option would be automatic disqualification from love.)
I chose a.
Well, chose might not be the word; probably ‘stumbled into’ is a better description.
When I was 16, a kind, caring man began pursuing me.
This seemed like a good idea to take advantage of the opportunity to begin having sex, since I knew on some level I was desperate to start doing it. (I think I would have wanted b, had I had the faintest idea how to get hold of it, because I’m a submissive and I crave filthy, degrading sex with men who overpower me- I know that now,but I didn’t then.)
For most of my teens and twenties, therefore, I was in a relationship with a lovely man who did not turn me on at all. I faked many orgasms, because I assumed it was my fault I wasn’t having them and I didn’t want to make him feel bad about not turning me on enough. I didn’t have any idea how to make myself orgasm.
We never talked about sex, except to confirm to each other that we had good sex and that I had loved it, that he had loved it. (I have no idea if he did or not.)
In between the sex, I didn’t really touch myself either, since as establishes in my teen years: Masturbation is a weird thing that was NOT OK for normal nice women to do. (Side note: why is masturbation such an ungainly, ugly word? I wish it sounded more erotic!).
At some point towards the end of our five year relationship, however, my real sexuality started to send me little insistent PING alerts.
My psyche was trying desperately to cut through the fug of pedestrian, unsatisfying, kind, loving sex that I was having, and show me who I really was.
Once, in a surprisingly adventurous turn of events (for us), my boyfriend and I watched the movie Quills.
In the film is a sex scene where a woman is having a threesome with two men, as they discuss the Marquis de Sade’s stories. She’s in between them as they are writhing around her and (it looks like) double-penetrating her. They’re talking dirty to each other and seem very open and sexually in tune with each other.
I froze when I saw it. I had no idea that such a thing was possible. A woman? Enjoying being in bed with two men? It turned me on so much it BLEW MY MIND.
The idea of being taken like this, was, I realised, something that I wanted more than I could have ever thought possible. I felt something stirring inside me and I had no idea what it was.
That night, as we did it in the dark after the movie finished, I fantasised about being the woman in that threesome.
For the first time in ages, I was actually wet. Really wet, and excited. I responded to my boyfriends’ touch like never before.
Soon after this, I moved away to university and for the first time had some privacy, and an internet connection.
A sexual awakening, of sorts
I began watching porn, alone, on my own. Then I (secretly and with trepidation) bought my first vibrator off the internet, and had my first orgasm. I was 23. It changed my life. I would never be the same again.
I began seeking out opportunities to get myself off whenever I could.
The first porn videos I watched were pretty tame. I remember watching a video of a close-up of a vulva (no face or body visible). The anonymous vulva was being stimulated, with a vibrator by what looked like a man’s hand. Then the woman comes. The vulva pulsed and squeezed.
It mesmerised me. I didn’t know it was possible for another person- a man!- to know your body so well that they could make you have an orgasm. That they could read your signals, to know when to go fast and when to go slow. I had no idea how such a thing could happen, but I knew I needed to try and get that. Somehow.
I broke up with my boyfriend (to the relief of both of us, by this point- we were having sex approximately every three months). I started in a muddled sort of way to try and find what I was looking for.
(Note: This boyfriend is now happily married, and we’re still friendly. I don’t hold him responsible for not being able to read my mind. For not knowing what turned me on. I didn’t have a clue myself and never bothered to try and talk to him about how I felt. This story is not about blaming him.)
I felt like my sexual awakening had happened. There was a whole world out there to explore. I just had to find it.
Years later, I had my first MMF threesome.
It was everything I wanted. I felt so lucky, and so…alive.
I remember waking up after a few hours sleep, in the middle of the night, in bed with two men. We’d all slept for a few hours, but I was still horny and I woke up.
One of the guys also woke up at my movement. We began touching, then we began fucking; in a drowsy sort of-doggy style, kissing and giggling occasionally.
The other guy was woken up by the noise and looked over in a mock-annoyed way with one eye open, mumbling ‘can’t you two give it a rest’, but smiling, as he started to stroke his growing erection, while watching us have sex. Watching me arch my back in pleasure as his friend slid his cock into me from behind.
None of us felt used. None of us felt disrespected. All of us were getting what we wanted.
That moment: I still think about it sometimes when I come.
This felt like a real sexual awakening.